I have to (once again) thank the goddess Susie Bright for linking to this post: “31 things about the neighbor who fucks too much.” For starters, it is both funny and well-written–an oddity in blogland. It appeals to me aside from that, though, because whoooo boy, can I identify.
Over a period of twelve years, I lived in eight apartments, one shared house, and two dormitories. There have been plenty of thin walls in my life, then, and on occasion I too discovered a neighbor or roommate who fucked, if not necessarily too much, then a little too…loudly. Vociferously. For close-up urban living, anyway. At one time or another, I experienced the full range of noisy fucking neighbors: screamers (both male and female); the overly-agreeable (”YES! YES! YES!”); the insecure (”is that good baby? do you like that? huh?”); the drunk and/or clumsy (falling up the stairs, off the bed, against the wall…); the cheap furniture owners (with headboards that rhythmically go thump thump thumpthumpthump against the wall your bedrooms share); and my favorite–because it has always made me laugh so hysterically–the expressive but confused (”whose pussy is this?!?”). Seriously, dude, if you don’t know, I can’t help you.
I think I was pretty cool about those things, though. I never called the cops or complained to management about anything; the most serious problem I ever had was a neighbor who liked to swipe my Sunday newspaper…now that pissed me off. Otherwise, I just didn’t want to be that bitchy neighbor. And I had an ulterior motive.
The truth is that I was far more often “the neighbor who fucks too much.” My friends, lovers, and I kept odd and frequently drunken hours. There was much stumbling on stairs and slamming of doors accompanied by giggles and pitiful attempts at whispering. I dated one guy who couldn’t remember which house I lived in–in his defense, it was one of those Stepford subdivisions where every house is exactly the same–and so he continually knocked on the wrong door at all hours. My favorite fuckbuddy turned me on the night he threw stones at my second-floor window at 3:30 a.m., but I can’t imagine that the people downstairs appreciated it. There was quick, furtive sex under a camper shell on a pickup truck at midnight and al fresco fucking aplenty. My shower curtain rod crashed into the tub at six in the morning. I have to plead guilty to most of the annoying apartment behavior mentioned above–I never agreed with anyone that much about anything, though, and didn’t have a headboard–and I’m sure most of my neighbors over the years had fits of dirty laughter at the noises emanating from my various apartments. I’m excessively verbal and a little kinked, so I was never good at quiet sex, partnered or solo. It may have made me a little infamous in my building. I’m fine with that.
If any former neighbors were disturbed by my habits, they should take heart: I’ve more than paid for my sins. There has been no fucking in my life, other than that occurring between my ears (hello, Colin Farrell–thanks for Saturday night), for over nine years. And my mother sleeps in the next room…
4 Comments
October 6, 2007 at 9:19 am
I believe I was seriously that neighbor when I had a loud, dirty talking threesome at 4am. My pretty neighbor was very gracious. I’m not sure how she got through that night. Maybe she slept in her livingroom…then again, we switched rooms so much she probably had to sleep in her bathroom. LOL Great post
October 6, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Fantastic post! Congrats on getting Fleshbotted.
October 6, 2007 at 3:39 pm
LMFAO!
January 21, 2008 at 8:00 am
Hi there,
that was a great and very humorous post, thanks for sharing. Living in housing with either thin walls or a shared place can always be tricky when it comes to having sex.
I received a lot of banging on the walls or bedroom doors over the years. I once shared a house with about 3 couples who were just mad. The couple above me would always make animal noises during intercourse. One night (late) because the female was shall we say heavy boned, broke the bed springs during a rampant drunken sex session.
You gotta laugh
The Cam lover